Today is August 1. It's a new month and a new day and the first day of the first period I've had since before I was pregnant (February 24 was my last period).
I felt like I turned a corner and symbollically went on my walk today that I used to do every day when I was pregnant. I was basically put on bedrest for the past month. I started doing short walks with my son last week a couple times but each time felt pain in my stomach and felt the need to take more medicine and go lay down. I wanted to physically move on but my body wasn't letting me. I know it was soon, but I needed to get out of my home to get some fresh air and, truth be told, I hate it here now, so I am grateful to be coincidentally moving in a few weeks. This place reminds me of being pregnant and the sadness associated with that.
So, I loaded my 2yr old up in his stroller with an apple sauce pouch, grabbed my phone to play music on our walk and took off on my path. I ended up playing Ellie Goulding's song I Know You Care about 7 times on my walk. I'm mildly obsessed with it right now. The song speaks to me because the thought that kept running through my mind during this whole process is, "Please, God, just let my baby have know how much I love her. That I've loved her since the moment she was known. Please, God, just let her know that I care. That I've always cared. That I'll always care."
For the first week of my grieving my song was Peter Gabriel's I Grieve. The music helps me. My husband warns of "going there" too much, but the music helps heal me. It's like when you find a favorite food that you have over and over until you're sick of it. Maybe I think that the music will help bring an ending or a closure to the pain. It's worked with exboyfriends, it's worth a try now.
For the first week of my grieving my song was Peter Gabriel's I Grieve. The music helps me. My husband warns of "going there" too much, but the music helps heal me. It's like when you find a favorite food that you have over and over until you're sick of it. Maybe I think that the music will help bring an ending or a closure to the pain. It's worked with exboyfriends, it's worth a try now.
I walked up the hill by my home. It's a short hill, but it felt symbolic. Later today I had my last appointment with my "high risk OB" that I was referred to from my old OB that delivered Greyson. (My husband and I are moving to Florida) It was weird that my last appointment, 2 weeks ago, my Dr. told me during my exam that I looked like I was going to get my period in 2 weeks. Exactly 2 weeks later, I got my period - today. Weird. Also, disappointing. My OB said that my period didn't look normal yet - that the blood was too light and he gave me a little chart to keep tabs on my periods. The usually fantastically wonderful Dr. with bedside manner made me feel rushed today and like I was taking up too much of his time. The appointment made me feel - well, disappointed overall.
But...I stopped taking the NorCo a week ago, am taking less xanax and am coming out of my fog. The pain still makes me well up with tears on a daily basis, but the pain of losing my baby is not as incredibly crippling and overwhelming as when it began. The physical pain is mostly gone, it's just the memories now. My heart feels like a piece of aluminum foil that's been balled up and tried to smooth back out again. It'll never be the same.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. What will I say when my kid(s?) look back on pictures of their mother when I was pregnant? I will say there was a beautiful angel who lived inside of me for a moment in time, and now that angel is one of the birds flying in the quiet of morning, singing, that she'll always, always be with me.
[Ellie Goulding's I Know You Care]
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